


Captain Cold and Those Other Guys

by AlexKnight002



Category: DCU (Comics), The Flash (Comics), The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: Coldmobile, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, OOC, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:30:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6883552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexKnight002/pseuds/AlexKnight002
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Cold has some strange adventures with the Rogues. Too bad nothing ever goes his way. Poor, poor, Cold. By the way, this is a parody, so don't take it seriously. Rest in peace, Coldmobile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The New Plan

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, my beautiful readers. I am writing a new story, focused on Captain Cold and his team, the Rogues! By the way, it is based on the Flash's comics as opposed to the show. I also have two other majestic stories—Tingles Raveng: The Tingling and Fly Me to the Moon: Tentacles of Desire—so be sure to check those out as well. Enjoy this masterpiece!

Leonard Snart was eating a chili dog in the Rogue's super-secret hideout. The current team was made up of Captain Cold, Mirror Master, Pied Piper, Weather Wizard, Trickster, Captain Boomerang, Heat Wave, and Golden Glider.

"Okay, team!" Snart exclaimed, his mouth still filled with chili dog. "We've got to think of an evil plan for today!"

"I wanna burn something!" yelled I'm not going to say who it is because it's so obvious who's saying it.

"Mick, how many times do I have to tell you!" Cold stood up from his beanbag chair. "No burning down buildings! We have rules against killing, and fires kill people!"

"Dang it! I was looking forward to that!" Heat Wave ran off to build a village in Minecraft and burn it down.

"By the way," Weather Wizard noted, "Where's Trickster?"

Meanwhile:

A boy was running around, carrying a yummy ice cream cone. "Oh, boy! I'm so looking forward to eating this!"

Suddenly, Trickster put out his foot, tripping the boy and making him drop his ice cream.

"Whoops! Looks like you dropped your ice cream! I am a comedic genius!"

"How dare you mess with my ice cream!" squealed the boy. "SHAZAM!11"

"Oh, fuck!"

Back to the evil base of fun:

"Anyone have any plans?" Cold questioned.

"We should find the Flash...and throw a boomerang at him!" answered Captain Boomerang.

"Yeah, that worked out so well before. NEXT!"

"We could go donate some stuff to the needy!" piped the Piper. Aw, he's so sweet! What's a nice guy like him doing with a bunch of jerks like these?

"Ew, total weaksause, Hartley. We need something truly evil!"

"I know what we should do!" exclaimed Glider. "Let's go to Chuck E Cheese! There we can do something really evil!"

Leonard looked astonished. "Lisa...YOU'RE A GENIUS!111111" He picked up his little sister and gave her a big hug. Aw, so cute! Then he tried to pick her up like Simba at the beginning of the Lion King, but he realized that he wasn't strong enough and collapsed under the weight.

"Ow, my back! Worth it!" he yelled. "So who's coming with me?"

"I'm sorry, but I won't be able to make it," Lisa said. "I'm going to a pottery class today."

"And I have pilates!" Mirror Master said.

"Okay, I guess everyone else will be able to help, right guys?"

"RIGHT!"

"Quick, to the Coldmobile!"

A few minutes later:

Cold, Wizard, Heat, Piper, and Boomerang were stuffed in the Coldmobile together

"What the hell?" Weather Wizard exclaimed. "Why is it so cold in here? This thermometer says that it's less than 0 degrees Celsius in here!"

"Yeah what's up with that!" Heat Wave fierily yelled. "I need heat, not cold!"

"It's fine, Mick! I like it this way!"

"Come on, this place is literally covered in ice, mate!" Captain Boomerang said in his Australian accent.

"Screw you guys, I'm turning the temperature down lower!"

"NO!111" But Snart just wouldn't listen. He shot his cold gun at the car's dashboard, hoping for some lower temperatures.

"You see guys? There's nothing to worry about! You just need to man up! A little bit of cold in your life won't hurt anything."

Cold tried to turn the steering wheel. "Oh, fuck...Guys, I...may have kinda...frozen the steering wheel...and the gas petal, and we can't stop."

"WHAT!"

"Yeah, we're screwed."

The Coldmobile was heading right towards a cliff. "Oh, fuck!" yelled everyone, except for Piper, who yelled, "Oh, crap!"

Meanwhile, the Flash was running around ready to save some lives, when he noticed a car speeding towards a cliff! Without thinking twice, he ran into the car and rescued everyone. He was shocked to see who the car's passengers were. "Wait, what happened to you guys? And why was your car frozen?"

"Oh, Captain Cold was just being an asshole," answered Wizard.

"I think a more accurate word would be ice hole!" Heat Wave joked, high fiving Weather Wizard.

"Come on guys, don't joke about me like that! I just lost a car!" He looked at the remains of the once-beautiful Coldmobile, and a single tear fell down his cheek. Rest in peace, Coldmobile. You will forever be missed.

"Um, Flash?" asked Piper. "We were hoping for a ride. Can you please take us to Chuck E Cheese's?"

"Well, why would I do that?"

"I'll give you 20 bucks!"

Without hesitation, Barry carried the Rogues to Chuck E Cheese's and took the 20 dollars. "Thanks for the money, and stay out of trouble! Flash out!"

"You see?" said Pied Piper. "That's how you get it done, son."

"Whatever," Cold grumbled. "Now lets go into Chuck E Cheese's!"

A woman was working at the front of the place. "Hi, how may I help you?"

"Yeah, we'd like some tokens."

"Wait," whispered Heat Wave, "If we're going to be doing evil things, then why are we paying for tokens?"

"Yeah, you're right! Miss, give us some tokens or DIE!" He pulled out his cold gun.

"Don't you guys have a no-kill policy?"

"Damn it, I forgot about that. Well, I guess we're screwed."

Suddenly, flute playing could be heard in the background. Pied Piper stopped playing and suggested, "Why don't you let us have some tokens?" and starting to play again.

"Sure thing! Here, take all of them!"

"Wow, how did you do that, Hartley?" asked Weather Wizard.

"You know I can hypnotize people, right?"

"Oh."

And so, the Rogues took every token and began to play some games.

Meanwhile:

Barry was eating some finger lickin' good chicken at KFC, when he saw some news on a TV. "Breaking News! At this very moment, the criminal organization known as the Rogues have broken into the Central City Chuck E Cheese. The team's leader, Leonard Snart, appears to be playing skeeball. His partner, Mick Rory, is setting fire to the animatronics, and the other members are eating pizza. Police have surrounded the perimeter, but they are cautious to enter."

" _Damn it_ ," thought Barry. " _I'm in the middle of this finger lickin' good chicken. But I think I have an idea how to stop them without having to stop eating_."

Meanwhile:

Aquaman was hanging out at Red Lobster, playing tic-tac-toe with the lobsters, when he got a phone call. "This is Aquaman, how may I help you?"

"Hi, this is the Flash. There is this big threat that even I can't stop, and I need your help. Just go to Central City's Chuck E Cheese and stop the Rogues inside."

"Wow, you need my help? I'll be on my way!" He waved to the lobsters. "Bye, guys! I'll be back to finish the game tonight!"

Later:

"Damn!" exclaimed Cold. "Why do I keep losing at this game!" He took at his cold gun and froze the arcade machine.

Suddenly, Aquaman burst through the door! "There's no need to fear, Aquaman is here!"

"Oh, hell!" cried Captain Boomerang, who threw a boomerang at him. The Atlantean easily caught the boomerang and threw it back at the Rogues, knocking them all down.

But unbeknownst to him, Piper was in the bathroom. He witnessed this event, and without thinking he took out his flute and began to play "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani.

"What the hell is this crap!" screamed Aquaman, covering up his ears. He soon fell to the floor, incapacitated.

"Guys!" yelled Hartley. "I'll hold him back with the music, while you guys can escape!"

"I would rather be beaten up by Aquaman then have to listen to that!" exclaimed Cold. He picked up a boomerang from the other captain and threw it at him, knocking him out cold.

Later:

The Rogues were walking back to their hideout after getting beat up. "I think that today was actually a pretty good day," Snart mentioned. "We may not have won, but at least we had a fun time while we were there."

"Yeah, and I got to BURN things!" shouted you-know-who.

When they got back to the secret base, Cold took out a teddy bear. "I got this for Lisa before we left, so I'll go give it to her now!"

He walked into her bedroom, but...Golden Glider and Mirror Master were having sex!

Cold screamed at the top of his lungs. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SISTER!1111111111"

To be continued!


	2. Infinite Angsting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It looks like a new chapter is among us! Now you can finally find out what happens! And be sure to read my other stories as well.

When they got back to the secret base, Cold took out a teddy bear. "I got this for Lisa before we left, so I'll go give it to her now!"

He walked into her bedroom, but...Golden Glider and Mirror Master were having sex!

Cold screamed at the top of his lungs. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SISTER!1111111111"

The couple immediately stopped the banging. "Len, what the hell?!" exclaimed Lisa.

"My eyes! It burns!1 IT BURNS!11111111111"

Mirror Master didn't seem to care what was happening, and he lied down naked on the bed, taking a sip of martini.

"You know what! I came here to give you this bear, but now you don't deserve it!" Snart threw the bear out the window, where it landed on Trickster's car while he was driving back from the hospital. He then crashed into a fire hydrant.

"Len, I'm sorry!"

"No, I don't care!" Cold started crying and rolled up into a ball, so Glider came over to comfort him.

"I'm so sorry!"

"HOLY FUCK YOU'RE STILL NAKED!11111" He burst into tears and ran into his room.

Lisa quickly got dressed. "Poor, Len! I've got to go help!"

"Or..." whispered Master, "We could finish what we started earlier." He winked and then sensually posed on the bed.

"I'm sorry, but Len just went through a traumatic experience. I can't have sex while my brother is in there crying."

"But I drew a picture of what we will do!" He held up a detailed erotic picture.

"Damn!" Lisa smiled, but it quickly turned back into a frown. "No, Sam. I've got to help Len, we can do that later."

"But I just wanted sex!"

The other Rogues burst into the room. "Did someone say sex!" yelled Heat Wave. "I love sex!" When Pied Piper saw that Mirror Master was naked, he got embarrassed and ran away.

"Actually," said Master, "I was just having sex, until Snart ruined it! I drew this picture of what we're going to do!"

"Damn!" exclaimed everyone.

"Wow," said Wizard. "How are you guys able to stretch like that?"

Glider was furious. "Everyone, GET THE FUCK OUT!11111"

Meanwhile, Cold was still traumatized and crying in his room. To keep himself from thinking about what happened, he punched himself every time an image of what happened earlier came into his mind. Now his face was bleeding. "Okay, Len...Just don't think about it, DAMN IT! OW, MY FACE! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!111"

Lisa walked into the room. "Len, I'm sorry you had to see that."

Cold held up a cross and pointed it towards Glider like she was a vampire. "STAY AWAY, YOU PERVERT!1111"

"Len, I said I was sorry! But you're the one who walked in on us!"

"You can't do...stuff...with another Rogue! It says so in the Rogue Instruction Manual!" He held up a piece of construction paper, with instructions drawn onto it in crayon.

 

The Rogue Instruction Manual

By...Me! Captain Cold! AKA: Leonard Snart! (A crudely drawn picture of himself was drawn next to it.)

Rules:

1\. Don't talk about Mr. Freeze around me! That guy's a jerk!

2\. Don't make fun of the Coldmobile!

3\. No killing women or children!

4\. Don't kill the Flash!

5\. No doing drugs!

6\. No inheriting another Rogue's identity if they're still alive!

7\. No banging other Rogues! That means you, Lisa!

8\. Tuesdays are Taco Tuesday.

 

"You see, Lisa? That's against the rules!"

"But Len, the truth is...Sam and I have been secretly dating for months. I didn't want to tell you, since I knew you would be mad."

"Hell, yeah I'm mad! You've scarred me for life!"

Mirror Master teleported in through the mirror, holding up the erotic picture. Cold was so shocked that he passed out and fell out of the window, landing on Pied Piper.

Later:

"I feel so bad about Len," admitted Glider. "At least he didn't get hurt that much, since Piper broke his fall."

"Yeah, whatever," said Master, drinking a martini. "Now, how about we finish the sexy time."

"Are you kidding me? My brother was just injured and you're seriously only thinking about sex?"

"Is that a yes or a no?"

Meanwhile, Wizard, Heat, Boomerang, and Trickster were getting a ladder so that they could spy on Glider and Master doing it.

"Guys," piped Piper, "This isn't the right thing to do! You're infringing on their privacy!"

"Screw that!" yelled Wizard, who summoned a tornado to blow Hartley away.

"Now, let's get to spying on Cold's sister!" Heat said while smirking.

"I have the camera!" exclaimed Trickster, who had many broken bones. "Since half of my bones are broken, I can't climb the ladder, but you can record it for me."

"But what if Snart finds out that we were watching his sister looting? That drongo would kill us!" questioned the perve, Boomerang.

"Oh, you won't have to worry about him," the Trickster answered.

Five minutes earlier:

"Hey, Snart!" laughed James Jesse.

"What is it?"

"Mirror Master gave your sister the D."

Snart started crying and hid under his bed.

Present day:

"Lol!" lolled Trickster, who loves trolling people.

Now the Rogues climbed onto the ladder and peeped into the window. "Hey!" complained Heat Wave. "They're just arguing!"

"Wow, this is boring," groaned Wizard.

"I have an idea!" exclaimed Mick. He took out a radio and began to play some sexy music.

Meanwhile:

"Sam, stop! I'm not going to do anything with you right now!"

"Pleeeeeeeeeese!"

"No, and stop bothering me or I'll shoot your head off."

Some sexy-sounding music started playing outside the window. "What the hell?!" growled Lisa.

She walked over and opened up the window, seeing the peeping Toms outside. "Oh, hey!" Heat said nervously. "We weren't spying on you or anything!"

Glider punched the ladder, causing the Rogues to fall to the ground.

When she turned back around, Mirror Master was gone! "Hey, where did Sam go?"

Meanwhile:

Cold was drinking some iced tea in his bed, still recovering from the trauma, when Mirror Master burst into the room! "I was wanting some sexy time, but you ruined it! Now, DIE!" He took out a laser gun and pointed it at him! Snart was cuddling his cold gun, so he whipped it out and shot him. But...it was a hologram! "Try to find the real me!" it laughed.

Leonard ran outside and saw Mirror Master standing there! The other Rogues were there, too! "Hey! You wanna know why they call me Mirror Master? Because I mastered your sister in bed!"

Weather Wizard high fived him, and Heat Wave said, "Hashtag, burn!"

"Mirror Master?" said Snart. "More like Mirror Masturbater!"

Weather Wizard high fived him, and Heat Wave said, "Hashtag, burn!"

"Now, let's settle this like men!" exclaimed Cold, putting down his gun and got ready to fight.

"I agree!" replied Sam. "By the way, your sister is a passionate lover."

Snart started crying again and rolled up in a ball.

Luckily, Golden Glider glided in, ready to put an end to this crap. "Guys, stop! You two are being insane! Especially you, Sam! I think we should break up."

"But I never got the sexy time! What about the picture? WHAT ABOUT THE PICTURE!11111"

"Well, then you should've stopped being so much of a jerk."

"Can I at least stay in the Rogues?"

"Ugh, fine," muttered Cold, "Just stay away from Lisa."

"Yay!" Master picked up the sexy picture that he drew. "Well, I guess if no one else is going to pleasure me, I'll have to do it myself. Later losers!"

"Well," said Glider, "That was weird." She turned to her brother, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay, Len? I know this must be hard on you."

"Yeah, I think I'll be fine. It'll just take a while for me to be completely better."

"As long as you're happy, I'll be happy." Lisa gave Leonard a hug.

"Oh, fuck!" he cried. "I remember what you look like naked!" Captain Cold started crying and ran away.

"Huh. Meh, he'll get over it eventually."


	3. The Heist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't wait for the new Zelda game to be released, so I decided to have that game play a role is this chapter.

The Rogues were hanging out in their secret hideout's arcade room.

"Wow, building this arcade was a good idea, Leonard," said Weather Wizard. "Now we don't need to break into Chuck E Cheese's to play arcade games."

"I know, right?" agreed Master.

Pied Piper, Heat Wave, and Mirror Master were playing instruments on Guitar Hero, with Trickster doing the vocals. The rest of the Rogues were getting their asses handed to them by Glider on Dance Dance Revolution. "Take that, mofos!" she laughed after another victory.

"Damn it, why do I always have to lose," grumbled Cold. His phone suddenly rang, so he went to the other room to answer it. He got back a while later with a huge smile on his face. "Guess what, guys!"

"What?" everyone asked.

"You know the new Zelda game that's coming out for the Wii U?"

"Oh, yeah!" answered Hartley cheerfully. "I'm so looking forward to that! If only we didn't have to wait so long to play it."

"Actually, you don't have to wait to play it!"

"Wait, really?!"

"Yes, I have an inside man in Nintendo, and he told us where it's hidden! And now we can break into the place and steal it!"

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!1111111111" everyone yelled, as Zelda games are awesome.

"But how do we break into it without getting caught?" asked Lisa.

"Actually," said Cold, "I wrote out a plan!" He took out some blueprints with plans written on them. "This won't be easy, but if we work together, we can succeed! The game is hidden deep inside this compound in Japan. There are 100 guards, and we need for them to be taken out without anyone being killed. Every person will play a role in this heist. Are you ready for the plan?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Okay! There are ten guards at the entrance. Piper, you need to hypnotize them into leaving. Once they're gone, send an army of rats inside. Trickster needs to place some traps by the entrance to keep reinforcements from getting in. Mirror Master, place holograms of us outside to distract the police." The Rogues nodded in agreement. "Boomerang, you have to take out the security cameras with your boomerangs." Snart showed him the locations of each camera in the compound.

"Alright, mate! It'll be a piece a' cake."

"Wizard, create a large storm to distract the police as well, and hopefully keep them away. Lisa, you should glide into the surveillance room and knock out the guards. Piper's rats will attack any remaining guards. Once most of the guards are taken care of, we will enter a long hallway, filled with those laser beam things that I forgot what they're called, so I'll freeze them. I'm not sure how that's possible, but I did it on that TV show, so who gives a crap about logic. The next room contains the game, but all of the remaining guards are located right in it. We'll all hold off the guards, while one of us will hold a mirror that Master can teleport through. Then he can take the game and teleport though, taking the rest of us with him. Does everyone understand?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Wait," said Lisa. "How are we going to get all the way to Japan?"

"Oh, I have a plan for that as well!"

Little did the rest of the team know that this plan involved a small, rodent-like Green Lantern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this chapter is so short, but I've been pretty busy recently. I'll be on vacation for much of June, so this story will be on a short hiatus for a while. But don't worry, as if all goes well, then another chapter will be posted by the end of the month. Toodles!


End file.
